I mess up... a lot. I'm a human like everyone else and I'm far from perfect. Some days I can barely hold things together. In moments of frustration and failure, I look at my baby girl, smiling at me or sleeping peacefully and I see true perfection. She doesn't know right or wrong. She doesn't remember yesterday or have any concept of tomorrow. She is here now and she is simply and beautifully perfect. And I see grace - floods of grace, overwhelming me, more than I can comprehend. This gorgeous creation, this small miracle is mine to hold.
I do not deserve her. Some days I feel like I'm doing so much. I'm getting up early to feed her, changing her diaper twice in a row since she won't stop pooping, doing load after load of laundry. But none of these things could ever earn the responsibility I have to care for her. Nothing I do can possibly merit the picture of perfection sleeping peacefully in her swing as I write. What overwhelms me the most is that God trusted me with her. I have screwed up so many times, yet instead of having responsibilities taken away, I am given this amazing girl. She is innocent and untainted by the world and I'm supposed to raise her? How do I do that? How can I be trusted with that?
It is only grace. Grace each morning when she cracks a wide smile as I pick her up out of her crib, and grace every time she falls asleep in my arms. Grace allows me to comfort her with just a touch and it is grace that gives me each precious day with my baby. I have no other explanation - only grace, and it's a beautiful thing.
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Monday, April 22, 2013
Time for a Change
A Great Cloth Diaper Change! On Saturday, Mina and I attended the Great Cloth Diaper Change for Central Maryland. It was an effort to break the world record for most cloth diapers changed at one time and also a way to raise awareness for the benefits of cloth diapering. For me, it was a fun morning spent with other mommas and a great source of freebies and prizes. Sadly, we didn't win anything but I came home with a great grab bag of samples, coupons and even a really nice cloth diaper from Bumkins. It was a fun way to spend a morning.
One of my favorite things about events like this is the reminder that I am not alone. There are other moms out there on this great, scary journey; I am not alone. I am so grateful for all the other blogging moms who I follow online. When Ben is at work and Mina is being fussy for no apparent reason, it's nice to be able to jump on facebook or a mommy message board and know someone else is going through or has gone through the same thing.
As a new mom, I've noticed a lot of people are keen on giving you advice. The funny thing is not a lot of those people are moms. The mothers, the ones who have blazed this trail before or are on the journey with me, offer support. This is what I need most. Because in a world where just managing to get a seat on the metro is a competition, support can be awfully hard to find, but it makes all the difference.
So thank you Great Cloth Diaper Change and blogging mommies. Thank you all my friends and family. And no thank you to those terrible ads at the bus stop about how cute little Annie brought home artwork and meningitis from preschool today. That is just sad and not at all helpful.
One of my favorite things about events like this is the reminder that I am not alone. There are other moms out there on this great, scary journey; I am not alone. I am so grateful for all the other blogging moms who I follow online. When Ben is at work and Mina is being fussy for no apparent reason, it's nice to be able to jump on facebook or a mommy message board and know someone else is going through or has gone through the same thing.
As a new mom, I've noticed a lot of people are keen on giving you advice. The funny thing is not a lot of those people are moms. The mothers, the ones who have blazed this trail before or are on the journey with me, offer support. This is what I need most. Because in a world where just managing to get a seat on the metro is a competition, support can be awfully hard to find, but it makes all the difference.
So thank you Great Cloth Diaper Change and blogging mommies. Thank you all my friends and family. And no thank you to those terrible ads at the bus stop about how cute little Annie brought home artwork and meningitis from preschool today. That is just sad and not at all helpful.
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| Mina ready to get her diaper changed and be part of a world record |
Monday, April 15, 2013
Best "Tax Break" Ever
After working on my taxes for a couple hours last Thursday, the mail carrier knocked on the door. I knew exactly what it was - Diapers!!!!! Yes, that is the level of excitement I have for diapers. Actually, it could be in all caps and use a few more exclamation points. Anyway, I ordered Mina new diapers last Saturday. I wanted to try bamboo and hemp since they are more absorbent and should feel nicer on Mina's bum than the cheap-o prefolds we have been using (the cheap ones still work better than disposables though and you get a lot more for the same price, so a great way to start out). I also got a couple more Snappis and an uber-cute wetbag by Monkey Foot Designs. For those who don't know, wetbags are where the dirty dipes go when you are out of the house. They are waterproof on the inside and hold the stink in. They also have a ton of other possible uses - swimsuits, wet clothes, make-up bag, etc. My original order included some sample liners, the wetbag, a fitted diaper, a set of 3 bamboo prefolds (GroVia), and 2 hemp prefolds (Geffen baby). But because I ordered from Dearest Diapers I got freebies too. This time it was a set of fleece liners and a sample of rash cream.
It was a really great reward for all the hard work put into taxes. Of course, I couldn't try the diapers out right away since the natural fibers have to be prepped first so they are actually absorbent (kind of like towels). But we are using them now and loving everything. I really love Dearest Diapers. It is a small family run business near Sacramento. I placed my first order there since I could get a free diaper on an order over $39 (it was a really nice one too). I ordered on a Friday night and it arrived at my door on Monday! CA to DC in three days when two of those days are over the weekend? I was blown away. Great customer service, increasing selection and promo codes kept me hooked. So if you happen to need some cloth diapers (or other baby-related things), I would highly recommend looking at Dearest Diapers. Getting this lovely package of Fluffy Mail made the afternoon of taxes much much better. And Mina was pretty excited about it too.
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| Mina with the loot |
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Summertime?
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| One of my favorites |
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| Mina and Daddy |
So my beautiful girl, let me tell you how much you have grown in these two months. You are longer and heavier, of course. But you are also so much stronger. While tummy time is inevitably cut short by spit up all over your playmat, you are much better at holding your own head up. You love when daddy lifts you up on his legs so you can stand just like a big girl.
I think you also love mommy. You show it by giving me a full night's sleep. You are such an amazing sleeper. Thank you. Thank you for sleeping and smiling, for growing and playing. And thank you for spitting up and even crying. All of these things make you Wilhelmina, my beautiful two-month old baby girl. I will hold on to all these precious things while looking forward to what the next months will bring. I love watching you grow.
Monday, April 8, 2013
When Baking Goes Wrong
OR How I accidentally made a decent gluten-free cookie.
Most great achievements in human history are born out of laziness. That is how tonight's cookie came to be. I'm going on a dairy-free diet for two weeks to try to help Mina's reflux/gas. I'm going all out so no butter (it is gonna be a really long two weeks). Tonight I wanted to make cookies but I'd forgotten to get a dairy-free butter substitute at the store this week. I decided to use peanut butter and a little bit of coconut oil for some extra fatty goodness. I didn't want to wash any more dishes than I had to so I was determined not to use the mixer. So I melted the coconut oil and peanut butter together instead of trying to cream it with the sugar. Everything was going really well until I went to add flour and discovered I had none. I did happen to have some almond flour I used for Danish fillings last week so I used that and cocoa powder instead of flour. Apart from looking like small mounds of black poo, the cookies came out pretty well. I will share something like a recipe with you. In my effort to minimize dirty dishes, I didn't actually measure anything so my approximations might be off. If you follow the recipe and disaster ensues, please don't blame me.
Chocolate Peanut Butter Gluten and Dairy free Cookies
2 Tbsp coconut oil
1/4 cup peanut butter
1/4 cup packed brown sugar
1 tsp Vanilla
1 egg
1/4 cup cocoa powder (maybe a little less - mine came out a little too cocoa-ey)
1/2 cup almond flour
Chocolate Chips
- Melt Peanut butter and coconut oil together
- Stir in brown sugar
- add Vanilla and egg and mix
- Stir in cocoa and almond flour
- Add chocolate chips as desired. Since there is no gluten, the cookies won't get tough so you can add and stir as many times as you want until there are enough.
- Place spoonfuls of dough on a cookie sheet. You may want to press the balls down as they pretty much retain their shape
- Bake at 375ยบ for 10 minutes
People claim that baking you need to be exact and measure carefully or it won't work. That is true of yeasted breads and a few other things but I've found that most baked goods, especially cookies, are very forgiving. Maybe if you put enough sugar and fat in something it has to taste good? I guess once you've made enough cookies, you get an idea of what goes into cookies. It's not just a pastry chef thing either. I think most people just don''t realize that recipes aren't always set in stone. So be lazy and get creative... you may just stumble upon something great. Always remember the words "I meant to do that." And if you need a tester for your creations, I'm available.
Most great achievements in human history are born out of laziness. That is how tonight's cookie came to be. I'm going on a dairy-free diet for two weeks to try to help Mina's reflux/gas. I'm going all out so no butter (it is gonna be a really long two weeks). Tonight I wanted to make cookies but I'd forgotten to get a dairy-free butter substitute at the store this week. I decided to use peanut butter and a little bit of coconut oil for some extra fatty goodness. I didn't want to wash any more dishes than I had to so I was determined not to use the mixer. So I melted the coconut oil and peanut butter together instead of trying to cream it with the sugar. Everything was going really well until I went to add flour and discovered I had none. I did happen to have some almond flour I used for Danish fillings last week so I used that and cocoa powder instead of flour. Apart from looking like small mounds of black poo, the cookies came out pretty well. I will share something like a recipe with you. In my effort to minimize dirty dishes, I didn't actually measure anything so my approximations might be off. If you follow the recipe and disaster ensues, please don't blame me.
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| Not too Pretty |
Chocolate Peanut Butter Gluten and Dairy free Cookies
2 Tbsp coconut oil
1/4 cup peanut butter
1/4 cup packed brown sugar
1 tsp Vanilla
1 egg
1/4 cup cocoa powder (maybe a little less - mine came out a little too cocoa-ey)
1/2 cup almond flour
Chocolate Chips
- Melt Peanut butter and coconut oil together
- Stir in brown sugar
- add Vanilla and egg and mix
- Stir in cocoa and almond flour
- Add chocolate chips as desired. Since there is no gluten, the cookies won't get tough so you can add and stir as many times as you want until there are enough.
- Place spoonfuls of dough on a cookie sheet. You may want to press the balls down as they pretty much retain their shape
- Bake at 375ยบ for 10 minutes
People claim that baking you need to be exact and measure carefully or it won't work. That is true of yeasted breads and a few other things but I've found that most baked goods, especially cookies, are very forgiving. Maybe if you put enough sugar and fat in something it has to taste good? I guess once you've made enough cookies, you get an idea of what goes into cookies. It's not just a pastry chef thing either. I think most people just don''t realize that recipes aren't always set in stone. So be lazy and get creative... you may just stumble upon something great. Always remember the words "I meant to do that." And if you need a tester for your creations, I'm available.
Party Time!!!
As you've all probably figured out by now, I'm a little crazy about cloth diapering. I also like a good party, especially if I don't have to change out of my pajamas to attend. So a cloth diaper twitter party? I'm in. Cloth Diaper Geek is hosting the School of Cloth Twitter party tomorrow night (April 9) at 9pm EST. Just sign up to attend then tweet with #SchoolofCloth between 9 and 10 to be entered to win lots of awesome prizes. Check out Cloth Diaper Geek's blog to RSVP and find out more information. http://www.clothdiapergeek.com/2013/04/win-and-learn-all-about-cloth-diapers.html
I recently attended a cloth diaper twitter party and even though I didn't win anything it was a ton of fun. I learned some great things about cloth diapers and what other mom's favorite picks were. It's also nice to be connected virtually to the community of other CDing mom's. Isn't the internet wonderful? If you have any questions/interest in cloth diapers check it out tomorrow. You won't be sorry.
I recently attended a cloth diaper twitter party and even though I didn't win anything it was a ton of fun. I learned some great things about cloth diapers and what other mom's favorite picks were. It's also nice to be connected virtually to the community of other CDing mom's. Isn't the internet wonderful? If you have any questions/interest in cloth diapers check it out tomorrow. You won't be sorry.
Saturday, April 6, 2013
A Series - First Installment "The MRS Degree"
Lately, I've been thinking about going back to work. In November, I quit my job rather than taking maternity leave (the reasons for that later in this series). Now, I can choose when and where I want to work, finances permitting. But I am faced with the struggle of balancing mother and job. This has brought many interesting problems to my attention. I thought about doing one post about all of them but it would be painfully long and convoluted so I'm going with a series approach. I will try not to bore you too much. I decided to start with something very dear to me, the MRS degree.
For those of you who don't know, a common joke at many small Christian colleges is that the women come to get MRS degrees; They are just there to find a husband. As it turns out, I left Toccoa Falls College with a husband but without a degree, so this is a fun topic for me. There are many problems with this joke but I want to look at what may be the least obvious. Why isn't there an MRS degree?
I believe that women and men should be able to do what they love and I know from personal experience that some people love doing laundry, making food and taking care of children. But for some reason this can't be a career. I actually researched home economics degrees online. While a few schools offer the degree, motherhood is not listed as a possible career choice with this course of study.
This assumes if I choose to be a mother and only a mother, I will never live a fulfilling life. I will never have a career. If the question is "Can women really have it all?" then we must believe all women want both a job outside the home and a family. Some of us would actually be perfectly content with one. Does that make us less ambitious? Less smart? Less womanly?
One of the great advances of the Womens' Rights Movement is that it expanded the roles of women outside of the home. That is a huge step forward but lets not go so far as to kick women out of the home altogether. Just as some women were made to fight battles or manage companies, some were made to raise children. We are all essential.
I do eventually want to find a job in the pastry field again. I'm particularly interested in chocolate-making. But by focusing on being a mom right now, I don't feel like I'm missing out on my career. This is exactly where I want to be right now. But everyone's different and I'd love to hear other opinions. Feel free to comment on whether you had to/will have to give something up to be a mom.
For those of you who don't know, a common joke at many small Christian colleges is that the women come to get MRS degrees; They are just there to find a husband. As it turns out, I left Toccoa Falls College with a husband but without a degree, so this is a fun topic for me. There are many problems with this joke but I want to look at what may be the least obvious. Why isn't there an MRS degree?
I believe that women and men should be able to do what they love and I know from personal experience that some people love doing laundry, making food and taking care of children. But for some reason this can't be a career. I actually researched home economics degrees online. While a few schools offer the degree, motherhood is not listed as a possible career choice with this course of study.
This assumes if I choose to be a mother and only a mother, I will never live a fulfilling life. I will never have a career. If the question is "Can women really have it all?" then we must believe all women want both a job outside the home and a family. Some of us would actually be perfectly content with one. Does that make us less ambitious? Less smart? Less womanly?
One of the great advances of the Womens' Rights Movement is that it expanded the roles of women outside of the home. That is a huge step forward but lets not go so far as to kick women out of the home altogether. Just as some women were made to fight battles or manage companies, some were made to raise children. We are all essential.
I do eventually want to find a job in the pastry field again. I'm particularly interested in chocolate-making. But by focusing on being a mom right now, I don't feel like I'm missing out on my career. This is exactly where I want to be right now. But everyone's different and I'd love to hear other opinions. Feel free to comment on whether you had to/will have to give something up to be a mom.
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Oh the Places You Won't Go
While looking at my Facebook newsfeed earlier today (I do this often as I spend much of my day with only one usable hand), I saw my friends albums from so many wonderful places. They are in places I would love to be right now like London and Paris. Ben and I often talk about moving to Belgium so I can study chocolate and he can study beer. But back in the real world, I am dreading taking a two hour flight to Florida to visit friends and family. A baby complicates things. It will probably be a long time before we can even consider a transatlantic voyage.
Right now, spare money is going to buy Mina new diapers (cloth diapering would be a lot more economical if there weren't so many adorable patterns) and soon it will be going towards a college/tradeschool/following her dreams fund. With limited finances and time off for Ben, vacations are now visiting family or maybe a short weekend trip. And we will try to take advantage of the two years Mina flies free. After that, trips become even more expensive. Those chocolate shops in Belgium are a long way off.
So do I regret not "enjoying my youth" and traveling the world before we had a baby? Well...yes, a bit. But tonight I looked down at the beautiful little girl asleep in my arms and realized none of the beauty in the world could compare to what I held. I don't need to see the world. I am witness to the miracle and beauty of creation every day. I guess we can all find that in our lives whether we travel or not. Where is the beauty in your every day life? What reminds you of the miracle of creation?
P.S. if you do happen to have a plane ticket to Europe (or anywhere else) sitting around, I will gladly take it off your hands.
Right now, spare money is going to buy Mina new diapers (cloth diapering would be a lot more economical if there weren't so many adorable patterns) and soon it will be going towards a college/tradeschool/following her dreams fund. With limited finances and time off for Ben, vacations are now visiting family or maybe a short weekend trip. And we will try to take advantage of the two years Mina flies free. After that, trips become even more expensive. Those chocolate shops in Belgium are a long way off.
So do I regret not "enjoying my youth" and traveling the world before we had a baby? Well...yes, a bit. But tonight I looked down at the beautiful little girl asleep in my arms and realized none of the beauty in the world could compare to what I held. I don't need to see the world. I am witness to the miracle and beauty of creation every day. I guess we can all find that in our lives whether we travel or not. Where is the beauty in your every day life? What reminds you of the miracle of creation?
P.S. if you do happen to have a plane ticket to Europe (or anywhere else) sitting around, I will gladly take it off your hands.
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Parenting Philosophy - Part I
I know I have been a parent less than two months. So what am I doing creating a parenting philosophy? This is part one because I'm sure my approach will change greatly over the next several months and years. I will have to wait a lifetime to see if this philosophy actually works. But I wanted to put down a few words about life as a parent of a newborn while Mina's first month is still fresh in my mind. Maybe I can help save myself some frustration the next time around.
For nine months of pregnancy, I was deluded with information on how to raise a baby. Part of this was my own doing as I read several articles that popped up on my facebook news feed. We had two books. One was the Baby Owner's Manual which is a lighthearted book set up like a user's manual for a car (complete with parts list and limited warranty) that actually has some very useful information on what to expect and how to deal with problems. My mom got me the Babywise book - a later edition the same book she read before I was born which explains how to put your infant on a parent-directed schedule to help her sleep through the night and keep baby and parent happy. It was very different than much of what I read online which suggested I feed my baby whenever she was fussy and not expect her to sleep through the night until 6 months at least. For slightly selfish reasons I started out determined to follow the Babywise method (sleeping through the night at eight weeks, yes please!). I figured it couldn't harm my baby seeing as I turned out alright (I like to think I turned out pretty well actually).
At first, it worked out great. But then Mina stopped sleeping all day. The feed-wake-sleep routine of Babywise wasn't working because my baby wouldn't sleep without a full tummy. If she didn't sleep, she got overtired and eventually fussy which also made me overtired and fussy. I was angry that she wanted to eat so much since that took all of my time away. Then something happened. I realized neither of us were happy. The Babywise routine wasn't exactly working but I didn't want to through it and my prospect of a full night's sleep out quite yet. So I made it work for us. I thought Mina might be happier if she ate when she woke up and before she went back to sleep. I tried it and the result was longer naps and more time to myself. I started taking showers at night after Ben gets home and after Mina's "personal fussy time" since this is when I'm most exhausted and could really use a nice, hot shower. An amazing thing happened. As I grew happier so did my baby and vice versa. Mina is a week shy of 2 months. I am still getting very little time to myself but she is sleeping seven hours at night and the whole family is happy and healthy. I attribute this mostly to the grace of God, an even-tempered baby, and a very loving husband who is also a phenomenal dad. But I have learned some things that I've used to help us get to this place.
First, books and articles are great. So many people have done this journey of parenting before and have already learned many things. You can gain a lot from these resources. However, not only is every baby different but so is every family. No one can say what will work for you. But my biggest realization has been that baby's happiness doesn't come first. Before you all get angry and call me a terrible parent, let me explain. I've found that our family can't function as a pyramid with Mina and her needs at the top; It has to be a circle. It works best when everyone is happy. I remember one particularly difficult night when Ben came home to both mom and baby crying. I handed him Mina and a bottle and said I was taking a shower and going to bed. When I woke up to feed Mina during the night, I felt amazing. I was well-rested and happy. As a result, I didn't try to rush Mina through her feeding and I held her sitting up after to help with reflux. Both of us were happier. So what is my parenting philosophy at almost two months? Find something that works for you because if you are happy and healthy, chances are it will be easier to keep your baby that way too.
For nine months of pregnancy, I was deluded with information on how to raise a baby. Part of this was my own doing as I read several articles that popped up on my facebook news feed. We had two books. One was the Baby Owner's Manual which is a lighthearted book set up like a user's manual for a car (complete with parts list and limited warranty) that actually has some very useful information on what to expect and how to deal with problems. My mom got me the Babywise book - a later edition the same book she read before I was born which explains how to put your infant on a parent-directed schedule to help her sleep through the night and keep baby and parent happy. It was very different than much of what I read online which suggested I feed my baby whenever she was fussy and not expect her to sleep through the night until 6 months at least. For slightly selfish reasons I started out determined to follow the Babywise method (sleeping through the night at eight weeks, yes please!). I figured it couldn't harm my baby seeing as I turned out alright (I like to think I turned out pretty well actually).
At first, it worked out great. But then Mina stopped sleeping all day. The feed-wake-sleep routine of Babywise wasn't working because my baby wouldn't sleep without a full tummy. If she didn't sleep, she got overtired and eventually fussy which also made me overtired and fussy. I was angry that she wanted to eat so much since that took all of my time away. Then something happened. I realized neither of us were happy. The Babywise routine wasn't exactly working but I didn't want to through it and my prospect of a full night's sleep out quite yet. So I made it work for us. I thought Mina might be happier if she ate when she woke up and before she went back to sleep. I tried it and the result was longer naps and more time to myself. I started taking showers at night after Ben gets home and after Mina's "personal fussy time" since this is when I'm most exhausted and could really use a nice, hot shower. An amazing thing happened. As I grew happier so did my baby and vice versa. Mina is a week shy of 2 months. I am still getting very little time to myself but she is sleeping seven hours at night and the whole family is happy and healthy. I attribute this mostly to the grace of God, an even-tempered baby, and a very loving husband who is also a phenomenal dad. But I have learned some things that I've used to help us get to this place.
First, books and articles are great. So many people have done this journey of parenting before and have already learned many things. You can gain a lot from these resources. However, not only is every baby different but so is every family. No one can say what will work for you. But my biggest realization has been that baby's happiness doesn't come first. Before you all get angry and call me a terrible parent, let me explain. I've found that our family can't function as a pyramid with Mina and her needs at the top; It has to be a circle. It works best when everyone is happy. I remember one particularly difficult night when Ben came home to both mom and baby crying. I handed him Mina and a bottle and said I was taking a shower and going to bed. When I woke up to feed Mina during the night, I felt amazing. I was well-rested and happy. As a result, I didn't try to rush Mina through her feeding and I held her sitting up after to help with reflux. Both of us were happier. So what is my parenting philosophy at almost two months? Find something that works for you because if you are happy and healthy, chances are it will be easier to keep your baby that way too.
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