A Mirror is Harder to Hold

A few interesting things happen when you are alone with no one to talk to a baby who cannot comprehend a word you are saying. One of these is a small dose of insanity, but the other day I saw another effect: I cannot hide from my flaws.
I want Mina to feel loved and I'd also like her to learn to talk a little ways down the road so when she is awake I try to talk to her as much as possible. I just tell her about my day, how I'm feeling and how much I love her... it's kind of like therapy. But sometimes during my monologues, I stop myself to rephrase things. I am saying things I don't want her to learn. It's not like I slip obscenities into every other sentence but the way I describe people and situations isn't ideal.
Yesterday I started telling Wilhelmina about the "stupid people at health and human services" then quickly edited myself. Do the people there frustrate me? Yes. Does that mean they are stupid? Maybe. But should I actually say that about someone? Probably not. If I pick Mina up from daycare in a couple years and she tells me about the "stupid" kids there will I reprimand her? Most likely. If my voice is the one she hears most of the day, I want to say positive things.
I wonder who is really learning to speak in this situation? I am trying to give her words but she is helping me. In the face of such innocence, all my "small" faults seem so much bigger. I am learning a new way of thinking, speaking and seeing the world. And I thought being a mom was about learning how to change diapers, rock a baby to sleep, and do laundry more efficiently. It turns out motherhood, like all of life, is just an opportunity to grow into a better human being, closer to what God meant for us to be.

A Mirror is Harder to Hold
- Jon Foreman

You could stay a while longer
We could stay up and talk about last summer
We could go down to the water
Watch the sunset going under
It's not that I'm a stranger to lonely moments
I've had my share of those
Please don't go
Please don't leave me alone
A mirror is so much harder to hold

I could try and point the finger
But the glass points in my direction
Sure you've got your sharp edges
But my wounds are for my own reflection
You've got nothing I could ever hold against you
I've got fatal flaws to call my own
Please don't go
Please don't leave me alone
A mirror is so much harder to hold

I met a man who's looking for perfection
Said he'd never met a girl who's good enough
His eyes are getting old like they'd love to love again
Such a lonely man
Such a lonely man

I see him in my reflection
Taking steps towards me these days
So I hold you that much closer
And pray we don't throw this away
It's not that I'm a man who couldn't love you
I know what these arms are for
Please don't go
Please don't leave me alone
A mirror is so much harder to hold
A mirror is so much harder to hold
Please don't go
Please don't leave me cold
A mirror is so much harder to hold

Time to Shop

Remember how I was knitting all those hats back in January? Well, Mina doesn't like hats. So I have opened up an Etsy shop with hand-knit hats and other baby items. The shop is called Itty Bitty Knitting and can be found here: http://www.etsy.com/shop/IttyBittyKnitting

This hat and booty set is just one of he items available for sale from Itty Bitty Knitting.

All on the Line

I mentioned briefly last week that Ben put a clothesline up so we could line dry the covers for the cloth diapers. Since then we've had several cloudy days. So today, when I realized it was sunny and beautiful, I couldn't wait to try the clothesline out. I don't think I have ever been so motivated to do laundry in my life.
After the wash was done, I hung all the covers on the line and decided to hang a few prefolds and inserts up as well (the absorbent part of the diaper that goes inside the cover for the cloth illiterate) just to see how quickly they would dry. The verdict? We need more line and a bigger backyard. To begin with, everything dried much quicker than I expected (around 3 hours), almost as fast as the dryer since our dryer is painfully slow. I was pleasantly surprised to notice that even though our line is shaded by our house, the diapers ended up whiter ("sunning" or laying diapers in the sun is supposed to be excellent for stain removal but our backyard is mostly shady). And the cherry on top of this diaper sundae? They smelled so amazingly fresh. If line-drying has me burying my face in a diaper for that outdoor scent, I'm sure it would be even better on my regular clothes. Now I want to dry all our clothes outside - it would probably save us some money on our electric bill.
Drying all our laundry on a line would, of course, take more time but I believe it is time well spent. Enjoying the sunshine and fresh air while leisurely pinning up diapers was much more relaxing than transferring them from washer to dryer in our dark basement. And I got some Vitamin D!
I do have a couple quick side notes. First, dollar store clothespins might not even be worth a dollar but they do work for holding up diapers. Second, a common complaint about drying the prefolds on a line is they end up a little crunchy. I noticed this but it was mostly around the edges and not too bad. I've read that putting them in the dryer for a few minutes eliminates this.

While the diapers were drying, Mina and I had a quick photo shoot for my mom's birthday but Mina wasn't too happy about it. I can't help but share a few pictures to show the downward spiral (please excuse the blurriness).

Sleep... or lack thereof

Had you walked into my bedroom at 11:30 this morning, you would have found mom, baby and dad all sound asleep in bed. This was not the plan. Wilhelmina is generally a good sleeper at night so I have a standard routine. She goes to bed late between 1 and 2 am since Ben doesn't get home until midnight. He usually puts her in her crib and we go to sleep soon after. I will get up to feed her just as it is starting to get light between 6:30 - 7:30. On a good night, she will go back to sleep until about 9:30 when I get up to feed her. After this feeding, I leave her in bed with Ben who watches all her cute faces while I have breakfast, check emails and enjoy some alone time. That ddid not happen this morning. Everything went as planned until I set her down next to Ben. I thought it was still early and her faces in the morning are so cute so I may as well lay back down and watch her. I woke up 2 hours later. Mina and Ben were still asleep.
By every standard, I am getting enough sleep. I sleep 5 hours, get up, then sleep 2-3 more. 7-8 hours each night - enough to make many parents (or even non-parents) jealous. But we still needed those extra couple hours this morning and I could still use a nap this afternoon. Why? I got by on much less than this in college some weeks. How am I getting enough sleep yet I'm still the stereotypical tired new parent?
Part of it is probably the interruption of my sleep. I haven't slept for longer than 5 hours in over a month now. And while Mina is generally a good sleeper there are those nights where she starts crying just as we're drifting off or she wakes up way earlier than I would like. That takes its toll.
Mostly though, being a parent, especially a mother, is exhausting. I spend about 4 hours or more every day just feeding her. And a large number of the calories I intake go into making milk for her, leaving me with less energy (also less weight - bonus of breastfeeding). Walking up the stairs with a 9lb baby to change several diapers a day is making my back sore. Also, I am always on call so there isn't much time to relax. While writing this, I am holding my baby upright trying to pull her very stiff legs to her chest to help her release the gas. This gas is responsible for cutting her nap short. I'm starting to understand how I can be this tired.
I have read and heard many times "sleep when the baby sleeps" but I forgot to ask these well-intentioned people how they trained the dishes and laundry to do themselves. I will have to remember that for next time. For now, I will be thankful we get as much sleep as we do, take care of myself the best I can (an epsom salt bath with some lavender oil works wonders), and try to enjoy these first few months of parenthood despite being a little run down. I know my baby girl will never be 1 month old again so I will watch her cute morning facial expressions as often as I can and treasure the fact she needs her mom's help to get rid of gas.

What I Do on my "Day Off"

Ben has been off work yesterday and today which means I've had the closest thing to a weekend I will have for awhile. So what did I do with my time off? Take Mina to the doctor's and wash diapers, of course. But since Ben likes to spend time with Mina on his days off, I get some time to myself. So apart from the usual laundry and house pick-up, I made a cloth diaper that actually seems to hold in pee (fingers crossed) and baked a yummy chocolate chess pie... it's been an exciting two days.

Mina sporting the new mommy-made diaper

Ben's mom brought me a bunch of supplies to make cloth diapers last week and I couldn't wait to try it out. The instruction booklet even made it look pretty easy. My beautiful but ancient sewing machine complicated the process as I can't make a zig-zag stitch. With a little more care and precision, a straight stitch works just fine. Of course, I didn't take that care on one side of the diaper and ended up with a small hole, but I went back and fixed it. It isn't quite as pretty as it could be in that spot but diapers exist to catch poop so I guess that's okay. The diaper is still adorable. I love that cloth allows you to find fun, cute patterns that look way better than the disposables. I learned a few things with this diaper so next time I can make an even better one. I still have lots of cute fabric and accessories to use.
Continuing on the cloth diapering train of thought, Ben put up a clothesline for me today. Now I don't have to dry my covers on the side of the bathtub. I just need to remember to put the diaper laundry in the wash in the morning so it has all day to dry in the sun. Today the line wasn't up until late afternoon so the diapers had about an hour outside and are now hanging on the tub. Hopefully the sun will help keep them nice and white too. They look cute on the line which makes me happy.

Cute diapers on a line

Finally, my last project and the one my reader's may enjoy the most - the chocolate chess pie. Yesterday was pi day so Ben and I went out to dinner at District of Pi, a DC pizzeria that specializes in deep dish. They had a special - buy one large pizza and get a second for $3.14. So we have been swimming in tomato sauce since it was too good a deal to pass up. Anyway, I didn't have time to make pie yesterday, but figured it would taste just as good today. I was right. Gooey and chocolatey with a nice crispy top crust - the way a chess pie should be. I kind of mashed together several recipes and added a few touches of my own. Here is what I ended up with:

Chocolate Chess Pie:
1 baked pie shell
6 Tbsp butter
2 oz chocolate (I used 70%)
2 eggs and 1 yolk, beaten
1/2 cup milk
1 tsp vanilla
1 cup sugar
1/2 cup brown sugar
pinch of salt
2 Tbsp cormeal
extra sugar (about 2 tsp)

- Melt together butter and chocolate, set aside to cool slightly
- Whisk eggs, milk, and vanilla together
- add in sugar, brown sugar and salt
- Gradually add chocolate and butter
- Whisk in cornmeal and allow to sit about 20 minutes (this would be a good time to bake the pie shell)
- Pour into baked pie shell
- Bake at 300º until just set, center may still jiggle slightly - about 40 minutes
- Immediately after removing from oven, sprinkle top with granulated sugar
- If you can, wait until it cools before slicing (we couldn't)

Enjoy!

The Whitney That Never Was

It is common knowledge that a baby (like the iPad) changes everything. But a month into this lifelong journey called motherhood, I am just starting to realize what everything means. It means there is a version of me somewhere out there that maybe never was and certainly never will be again. This hypothetical Whitney started disappearing the moment I met Ben. Marrying at 20 meant I would never have the opportunity (or curse) to look for potential mates at bars and go out clubbing with my friends. Strangely enough, I was okay with that. Ben and I still had our date nights. We could go out late and sleep in the next day. I could even stay out late without him and have almost the same experience I would have if I weren't married. Life was good.
But all that was about to change. Nine and a half months ago, a little pink line told me life would never be the same. But knowledge and experience are two radically different things. Last night, we got home from a long day out in DC and a large dinner and all I wanted to do was go right to bed. I never considered going to bed a luxury until now. Now, before hitting the hay, I feed and change Mina and put her to bed first (or ask really nicely if Ben will put her to bed). I go to bed knowing I will be up in a few hours to feed her and I could be woken up anytime before then.
Making a quick trip to the store with just a wallet and keys is no longer an option. Going anywhere requires packing an overnight bag that pushes the limits of airplane carry-on restrictions. I could always leave Mina with Ben and go out by myself, but I have about two hours before my body reminds me I need to feed my baby. It is even less time before I realize that terrible sour smell is coming from the spit-up on my right shoulder. It seems there really is no escaping the fact that I am a mother.
So goodbye youthful Whitney who stayed out late and went to bed as soon as she arrived home. Adieu city traveler who ran down metro escalators stroller-less to catch a train. Farewell one-item shopper who went to the store mid-recipe to get more eggs. Au Revoir. I'm sorry I never appreciated you, but I'm not sorry I moved on. One look at my beautiful baby reminds me that this "Whitney that never was" was never meant to be. I am a mom. The "Whitney that is" is exactly what I want, interrupted sleep and all.

Flying By

It's amazing a month has gone by since this beautiful girl entered the world and changed my life. Happy 1 month (belated) birthday Mina!

She's gotten so big!

A Project

I have always been a pretty crafty person - it runs in the family. But sometimes, I take on a project I'm pretty sure isn't going to work and even manage amaze myself. This is the case for the Sweetgreen salad blaster turned cloth diaper dispenser. Awhile ago, Ben brought home a broken salad blaster from work (Unfortunately I didn't get a before picture but you can google "salad blaster" to see what it looks like). The top was a little cracked so it couldn't hold dressing. It was taking up valuable real estate in our pantry until a couple days ago when I realized maybe... just maybe I could turn it into a wipe dispenser.

Step 1: Salad blaster with cap flipped

Step 1) Mutilate Salad Blaster
I cut the dressing dispenser apart then tried to pull it out. Right as I was about to give up, it popped out. I then put it through the bottom of the lid (essentially I flip-flopped which side of the lid the dispenser was on) and put the cap on top.
Step 2) Make wipes
Ben's flannel pajama pants recently got a hole in them. I told him to save them so i could use them for wipes. I cut 6x8inch squares (standard wipes are 8x8 but they needed to fit in the salad blaster. I sewed 2 pieces together leaving a small opening to flip them inside out, then ironed them and sewed along all the edges.

Step 3: folding the wipes over

Step 3) Line up, fold and roll
This step is a little tricky. I set the wipes out on the couch in a line. I started from the right then had each wipe overlap about 1/3 of the previous one. If you could push all the wipes together, the one at the left would be on top and the right would be on bottom. Starting from the left/top wipe, I folded the wipes in half (see picture) then rolled them up from left to right (the wipe on the left ends up in the center of the roll. I put them folded side down in the bottom of the salad blaster.
Step 4) Wipe solution

Step 4: Rolled and soaked

To soak the wipes, I mixed 2 Tbsp coconut oil, 2 cups hot water, 2 Tbsp baby wash and 3 drops of lavender oil. It ended up a little soapy so next time I might up the water or cut down on the baby wash. I poured it over the wipes until they were all wet. They ended up a little too wet so next time I will pour less over until they are damp - not every wipe needs to be soaked. Then I pulled the middle wipe out a bit and put the lid on.
Step 5) The moment of truth
It worked! When one wipe is pulled out a little bit of the next wipe comes out too. Sometimes I have to shove the ends back down a bit to get the cap back on but that's it.

Step 5: Taa Daa!

Although it took a good amount of time and thought, this project ended up being remarkably easy and is already so useful. I love how durable the wipes are - certainly up to the task of wiping all the poop off. The double-layered flannel makes a perfect wipe thickness I think. I have some bamboo wipes I ordered that are just too thick and don't really wipe any of the cracks very well. These are much better. Also, they smell heavenly. It's always nice to incorporate good smells into changing diapers. I'm sure the same thing could be accomplished with cut down paper towels if you wanted something disposable but not sure how much money that would save.
(Sorry the text randomly goes between the pictures, blogger's formatting isn't very user-friendly but I tried)

Not a step, just too cute to not share

Fast Forward

22 Years...
Ben and I aren't the best planners. Having a baby hasn't changed that, but it has made us consider some things that will arise in the future. For me, I realized I am finally going to have to start eating my vegetables. I can't tell my daughter no dessert until she finishes her broccoli if mine never made it on the plate. But even now, so early, we need to think about what kind of example we want to set for our daughter. Her eyes and ears are eagerly taking in all we say and do.
Considering this took me a lot further than just eating vegetables. It took me further than my behavior in general. It took me 22 years into the future. If 22-year-old Wilhelmina is the woman I am now, will I be happy with that? Will I feel I've done my job as a parent? In many ways, yes. I have my own parents to thank for that. They made me eat my vegetables and, more importantly, taught me how to love and so many other important lessons. Not trying to toot my own horn, but I believe they can be proud of the job they've done as parents. Maybe they were thinking these same things nearly 23 years ago. (Knowing my mom, she probably thought about this much sooner; I didn't inherit her planning gene.)
That being said, there are still parts of me I don't like. There are thoughts I don't want my daughter to have when she is 22 and actions I don't want her to take. I want her to be a better woman than I am. That is not going to happen if Ben and I just focus on "setting a good example." We need to be good examples. It's not just what I do in front of Mina that matters, but who I am. If I work harder at actually improving things in my own life, I will become the example I'm trying to set. I can't think of a better motivation than my baby girl. When I start loving better, getting angry less, and acting on my beliefs, a good example will follow. The best planning in the world cannot beat an authentic way of living.

Special thanks to Mom and Dad for truly being an example of Christ the past 22 years. It is because you looked at your baby girl and committed to be that example that I am looking at my baby and doing the same now.