I have started writing this post a few times now but I'm having trouble because I have to make a confession; I am back at work and I love it. I love being in a kitchen again. I love having my own identity besides "Mina's mom" and to my surprise, I don't really miss being home with my baby. I feel a little guilty about this. I thought no moms wanted to go back to work because they hated being torn away from their little ones. Why am I enjoying it?
I think for the past seven months I have been so focused on Mina that I forgot how to be myself. I knew I loved being a mom but I forgot I had other loves as well. When I am at work, I don't feel like I am losing precious time with my daughter. I am spending time on myself so that I can enjoy the hours with Mina more. I love her so much and the evenings and days off are wonderful. I don't believe everyone needs to work to enjoy time with their children but it seems like maybe I do, at least right now. My pastry career has just begun and I'm not ready to give that up yet.
I thought I was made to be stay-at-home moms. But the mental and emotional stamina required to be home with a baby all day is a bit too much for me right now. I'm still overjoyed to be a mother but having the work day away from Mina helps me be a better mother when I'm with her. Being away this past week has also exposed what an amazing Dad and husband Ben is. Her and Mina have had some great times together. Despite his full work schedule, he has managed to cart her to babysitters, wash diapers, feed her and much more. Out of the two of us, I think he would make the better stay-at-home parent. His capacity to endure mustache pulls, pinches and bites while happily holding Mina amazes me.
I'm sure it will be a struggle to find and maintain a good balance of work and family but we will try the best we can. Wanting to work doesn't make me less of a mother or mean I care any less about my baby. I won't say I have enjoyed every moment but I have been so blessed to stay home with Mina these past seven months and wouldn't trade it for anything. I'm also excited about my new job. I applaud parents who juggle work and family and those who have the taxing job of being home with the kids. We are all doing amazing things.
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Monday, September 9, 2013
Embracing the Chaos
Last week, Mina and I were in CA visiting family. Lack of internet and a dying computer meant a short break from blogging but now I'm back and have a lot to talk about. Life has been a little crazy lately. I'm starting work again which means getting used to being away from Mina (spoilers: it didn't take much getting used to). We've also been traveling and taking care of things I should have done months ago. And I am feeling a little overwhelmed. Then I got frustrated I was stressed. If I'm this busy when I am at home taking care of Mina, what is going to happen when I add work on top of that?
Despite being a little jet-lagged I got myself (and my family) out of bed on Sunday and went to church. Exactly what we talked about is a little foggy but we got a little stress test where life events in the past year equal a certain amount of stress points. I think the top of the list is death of a spouse then it goes all the way down to vacations and Christmas. You write down the points as you go down the list and total them up at the end. Anyway, I went down the list and realized I was marking a lot of events for the past year. When I got to the end, my total was much higher than expected. I came to a realization: I have had a remarkably stressful year. I should be a little overwhelmed and worried. In the past 12 months, I have been pregnant, had a baby, moved, quit my job, found a new job, travelled on a plane with an infant and made changes in my diet and sleep habits several times. Maybe right now, I just need to breathe and let all that has happened sink in.
I think too often, I get so caught up in worrying about nothing and letting God take care of things that I just add more stress on top of the pile of events that I'm worrying about. But stress and worry are natural, human emotions and just a little bit can often prompt action that will make life better. Right now, I need to recognize that yes, my life is a little crazy. I do not have it all together but I don't have to. This uncertainty I'm feeling is normal. So I should breathe it in. I will learn to revel in the worries and dance through the stress because if I don't, I will be sending Mina off to college in 18 years wondering where the joyful part of motherhood went. The happy is found in the midst of the crazy when I'm trying to readjust a baby to Eastern time, when I'm wondering how I could have known to add Mina's name to a daycare waitlist before I knew she existed, when I'm desperately hoping my first paycheck comes in before I have to pay rent.
Despite being a little jet-lagged I got myself (and my family) out of bed on Sunday and went to church. Exactly what we talked about is a little foggy but we got a little stress test where life events in the past year equal a certain amount of stress points. I think the top of the list is death of a spouse then it goes all the way down to vacations and Christmas. You write down the points as you go down the list and total them up at the end. Anyway, I went down the list and realized I was marking a lot of events for the past year. When I got to the end, my total was much higher than expected. I came to a realization: I have had a remarkably stressful year. I should be a little overwhelmed and worried. In the past 12 months, I have been pregnant, had a baby, moved, quit my job, found a new job, travelled on a plane with an infant and made changes in my diet and sleep habits several times. Maybe right now, I just need to breathe and let all that has happened sink in.
I think too often, I get so caught up in worrying about nothing and letting God take care of things that I just add more stress on top of the pile of events that I'm worrying about. But stress and worry are natural, human emotions and just a little bit can often prompt action that will make life better. Right now, I need to recognize that yes, my life is a little crazy. I do not have it all together but I don't have to. This uncertainty I'm feeling is normal. So I should breathe it in. I will learn to revel in the worries and dance through the stress because if I don't, I will be sending Mina off to college in 18 years wondering where the joyful part of motherhood went. The happy is found in the midst of the crazy when I'm trying to readjust a baby to Eastern time, when I'm wondering how I could have known to add Mina's name to a daycare waitlist before I knew she existed, when I'm desperately hoping my first paycheck comes in before I have to pay rent.
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