I have started writing this post a few times now but I'm having trouble because I have to make a confession; I am back at work and I love it. I love being in a kitchen again. I love having my own identity besides "Mina's mom" and to my surprise, I don't really miss being home with my baby. I feel a little guilty about this. I thought no moms wanted to go back to work because they hated being torn away from their little ones. Why am I enjoying it?
I think for the past seven months I have been so focused on Mina that I forgot how to be myself. I knew I loved being a mom but I forgot I had other loves as well. When I am at work, I don't feel like I am losing precious time with my daughter. I am spending time on myself so that I can enjoy the hours with Mina more. I love her so much and the evenings and days off are wonderful. I don't believe everyone needs to work to enjoy time with their children but it seems like maybe I do, at least right now. My pastry career has just begun and I'm not ready to give that up yet.
I thought I was made to be stay-at-home moms. But the mental and emotional stamina required to be home with a baby all day is a bit too much for me right now. I'm still overjoyed to be a mother but having the work day away from Mina helps me be a better mother when I'm with her. Being away this past week has also exposed what an amazing Dad and husband Ben is. Her and Mina have had some great times together. Despite his full work schedule, he has managed to cart her to babysitters, wash diapers, feed her and much more. Out of the two of us, I think he would make the better stay-at-home parent. His capacity to endure mustache pulls, pinches and bites while happily holding Mina amazes me.
I'm sure it will be a struggle to find and maintain a good balance of work and family but we will try the best we can. Wanting to work doesn't make me less of a mother or mean I care any less about my baby. I won't say I have enjoyed every moment but I have been so blessed to stay home with Mina these past seven months and wouldn't trade it for anything. I'm also excited about my new job. I applaud parents who juggle work and family and those who have the taxing job of being home with the kids. We are all doing amazing things.
I totally understand! Everyone keeps asking if it's tough being back at work and I keep wanting to say "Not really" but couching it in other terms. I've always known I didn't want to be a stay-at-home-mom - my identity and passion is far too invested in my work - so it isn't surprising. I also found staying home with him to be exhausting in a really odd way, especially the first six weeks before he was smiling or reacting to much. Nonetheless, I still feel guilty about not feeling bad. I think for me it helps that he's staying home with Chris - I might feel differently if we had him in daycare.
ReplyDeleteI do wish there was some level of in-between being gone 10 hours a day and being there all of the time though. I wish I could see him more on weekdays. Even though I can't do it now, I'm hoping I can work from home more in the future.